I’ve been feeling strongly that I am in a season of cleansing. I didn’t plan it, I found myself in it two weeks ago- between 3-5 am in the morning. I couldn’t sleep that morning so on impulse I typed a list in my phone of things that I didn’t want to do and be anymore, and things that I wanted to start doing and being. It felt so urgent in that moment. I typed furiously, not knowing why or where this moment of clarity had come from. Immediately after, I feel asleep. Since then it has been a time of cleansing, from negative thoughts, bad behaviours and unnecessary habits. Among those habits is my addiction to twitter (more on that next time) and my choice of what to eat. Now don’t get it twisted, this isn’t a post on the beginning of my weight loss journey, or my journey to clean eating. Far from it. I love food; greasy, deep fried, and smothered in sauce. That will never change. What I am after is to feel healthier; more vegetables and less junk food(much less), more protein and less carbs, and no sugar. Small changes here and there because I don’t like how I feel currently in this body.
But that’s not the point of this post. Let me get to it.
I went out to grab a bite and so far it’s been difficult to find meals that don’t have the types of foods Im avoiding. I settled for this.
Still saucy, and not as clean as your nutritionist would recommend but hey, it’s something. So I dug into my meal (in my car yes, judge me) and soon I felt myself getting full. I kept eating. I felt my tummy reach its limit, but I kept eating. Then I got here:
At this point I stopped and asked myself why I was forcing the food down my throat when I was already full. It is such a simple concept; when thing is full, stop filling up said thing. So why did I keep on eating? Because I just always do. It’s probably not the most glamorous means to learn a life lesson but stay with me here. I thought back to how I’m always that person that fills up and finishes my plate. No matter what. As long as there is food around me I will eat it. And I don’t stop until I am so stuffed that my stomach is in physical pain. It made me realise that I live my life the same way and maybe I am not alone. I’ve been conditioned to never stop, to keep going, to keep pushing. So I don’t stop. I’ve heard that it doesn’t matter what you are doing as long as you keep moving. So I keep moving. I’ve read that if you work hard today, tomorrow you can rest. So I don’t rest because I am terrified that if I don’t suffer today, I will suffer for all my tomorrows. But you know what, I call Bullshit. Okay, yes context is a thing, and maybe these sentiments are encouraging in some cases, but maybe we need to learn to stop more. Stop and re-assess. Stop and rest. Stop and gain clarity. Stop and gain perspective. A journey of a thousand miles in the wrong direction is not a journey of success just because you covered a thousand miles. Stop. Stop and relish the moment. And yes, Stop eating when you’re full!
I stopped eating. Packed my leftovers away and started writing this. It is a reminder that working hard isn’t everything, (yes, I said it). Being a part of everything isn’t necessary. The fear of missing out is all in your head. We are all going to die. I for one don’t want to reach my resting place with a gravestone that says “She worked hard”. I want to live hard, and that requires stopping to rest and to come back to myself. It requires self-reflection every so often.
My moment of clarity today came in the form of a half chewed chicken thigh eaten in a restaurant parking lot. And I wanted to share this with you; stop and live.