I don’t know how to tell you this my friend. I don’t know how to tell you that I failed you. I thought maybe if I wrote this, unplanned and not thought out, my thoughts would make sense.
When he hit you the first time, I was angry. No that’s an understatement. I was livid, I was seething, my blood boiled.
You called me, I was buying a dress at the time. I answered, your voice was frail. I was already scared. You’ve always been so strong. I held my breath. You told me he had put his hands on you. You told me how he strangled you. In the middle of the night. You told me how he said he could easily kill you at any time.
My anger took over. I told you to kick him out immediately. I told you he would do it again. Because they always do. I told you to never go near him again.
I held you when you were about to fall apart. I told you it was nothing you did wrong. I told you it was him. He was the monster.
I thought you would walk away. I thought you listened to me. But no.
I came to see you, and he was back. Standing in your kitchen. Cooking your food. He smiled at me and offered me food. As if to say he had won. I felt sick. I hated him. And the worst part is I hated you too.
And maybe that’s where I went wrong. I don’t know. Because everything I believed about you, my friend, went out the window. You were my strong friend. We always joked about me being the emotional mess and you being the cold level headed friend. I could not understand why you let him back into your life.
I threw ultimatums at you. I told you I wouldn’t be in your life if he was. I told you I wouldn’t stick around to watch him kill you. I was terrified for you.
You left me alone with him, in your house, and I felt so betrayed. You cared more about his comfort in your house than my sanity.
I watched you lie to yourself. Saying you wanted him to stick around so you can get revenge. We both knew that wasn’t true. But it’s your life right?
But you see, this is my life too.
And maybe Im wrong for walking away, but I can’t help you anymore. You don’t want help.
You remind me of me. Years ago. You remind me of a time that I stuck around and let a man have his way.
So you see, maybe I’m selfish. But I can’t sit around and watch you remind me of myself.
Maybe I’m a bad friend for not dragging you away kicking and screaming. Maybe.
Im sorry I cant be in your life while he is there. Because you may forgive him, but I never will.
I love you, you know I do.
Please stay alive.